lady blah blah - guest blogger

this came over the transom.
lady blah blah is guest blogging & shares her daily grind in her life as a lady blogger...


7:00 AM - Wake, curl into fetal position, and weep silently into my pillow as I face the reality of another day without Domino.

8:00 AM - Make coffee—organic, free trade Honduran, of course. It’s the least I can do for the environment. Too bad I have to drive so far to the nearest Whole Foods to get it. That reminds me, I need to gas up SUV.

8:10 AM - Admire how edgy I am for painting kitchen black. It’s not like black kitchens are all over Domino, Lonny, and other design blogs. I am by far the edgiest married, mid-30s blond in this entire middle class subdivision.

8:30 AM - Contemplate breakfast. I’d love toast and bacon, but raspberry jelly is hell to get out of my carrara marble counter tops. And I’m not scrubbing bacon grease out of white subway tile and grout again. Besides, the family loves Pop-tarts for breakfast—they’re so delightfully retro.


9:00 AM - Boobear and The Angel Baby are off to grandmother’s house. My husband hates it when I refer to him as BooBear, but I’ve told him over and over that ALL the coolest lady bloggers call their husbands by a nickname—I can’t just use his name. If I have a second brat, I guess I’ll have to come up with another nickname for him, but it’s not gonna happen any time soon—I’m not letting that bastard husband touch me again until he agrees to let me re-paper the powder room. Yes, I know I just did it, and that it cost $5,000, but Imperial Trellis is SO out.

9:15 AM - I hope that brat of mine stays gone for a while----I get so sick of him whining about how much more fun he has at grandma---I don’t care if she doesn’t yell at him for sitting on the sofa---HER couch isn’t covered in white linen (Belgian, of course), and I’m sorry that he wanted Bob The Builder bedding---a Bob the Builder bedroom ain’t gonna get me a feature in Lonny.

9:30 AM - Dress. Should it be Target dress, J. Crew shoes and Anthropologie cardigan, or the Anthropologie dress, J. Crew cardigan, and Target shoes?

9: 35 AM - Life was so much easier when I just had to decide between which color Juicy camel toe track suit.

9:36 AM - Shit, just tripped over stack of Hermes boxes artfully arranged by closet—dented one. Must order replacement from Hermes box supplier on e-bay.

9:45 AM - Apply makeup from selection of Chanel cosmetics artfully arranged on python tray. Sight of artful makeup tray on carrara marble reminds me of Domino. I weep.

10:00 AM- Repair makeup.

10:30 AM - Client Consultation. Well, actually I’m just off to my sister’s new place to help her unpack, but my readers don’t need to know that. I need to think of a name for the project….BoHo Condo? It certainly sounds better than flea-infested hellhole efficiency in an Atlanta ghetto---I told her a fine arts degree was never gonna pay her bills. Thank god, I’m married and don’t have to work.

12:00 Noon - Lunch. I spent all my cash on a metallic cowhide to drape over my kitchen island (the last surface in my home not already covered in a cowhide), so I guess it’s off to Mickey D’s for a value meal. I’ll tell my readers I stopped “at a trendy little bistro in the commercial district for a working girl lunch of "flilet de boeuf en sandwich and pomme frites.”

12:30 PM - Stop by Toys R Us. Need to find plastic blinking toy to bribe The Angel Baby for another “candid” photo shoot. After the last “candid” child shot took four hours and I got mascara in his eyes—it’s not my fault his damn lashes don’t photograph well—he’s been resisting a photo session---how else can I prove that gleaming dark floors, Lucite furniture, silk draperies, and bright white linen upholstery are completely child friendly without posting occasional shots of angel baby engaging in chocolaty, muddy frolics----note, need to replace garden nozzle so can hose him off before bringing him into mudroom shower for double cleansing. Thank god Liz taught me photo shop so I can superimpose chocolaty face into my kitchen without having to risk it next to, did I mention they were carrara?, marble counter tops. This time, I remembered to bring measuring tape to make sure toy will fit into Ikea baskets---only Domino/Lonny approved artisan wooden toys can be seen in photos.

12:45 PM - Pull SUV over to the side of the road. As I thought about going through another long day without Domino, tears began to blind me. Sobbed---why can’t Nick Olsen be here to hold me?

1:00 PM - Home. Exhausted. Being a design professional (I’m gonna get paid one day, so maybe that bastard Boobear can stop bitching about having to work overtime to pay for my decorating HOBBY---This is my passion…why can’t he understand it? Maybe he should get his own passion It’s not my fault his band never made it, and he’s now too old to rock) God, I could use a drink, but I don’t want to disturb my bar setup, and I've forgotten to buy extra Tanqueray, Pimm’s and Maker’s Mark---I’m not actually sure what cocktail you could mix with these, but according to spread after spread in Lonny, these are the liquor bottles to own…




gwd - thank u lady blah blah

2 b continued...

mtv designer guest blogging

Hi! I am the production designer for the MTV show "The Real World". I know you can't believe it's still on, and I can't believe I got a job! As a designer! Let me tell you how I took a beautiful New Orleans mansion and turned the interior of it into a pile of crap.

Not since Katrina, or the recent oil slick, has the image of New Orleans been so fucked over by MTV for the world to see. But hey, it's just a place to party.

Big ass beads are draped on the beds. Ain't I clever? And dig the ginormous masks over the headboards. It was more of a challenge for the tech team than the art department. They had to go in and make sure all this junk looks decent. And by decent I mean getting paid big bucks for using every tacky cliche I could throw on the set. I shopped my ass off on Bourbon Street.

The house's front door opens onto a grand staircase with a railing that I totally desecrated with a shit load of Mardi Gras beads I found in the garbage. Another wall is decorated with corny Dr. Bob signs ("Be Nice or Leave"). I was very cool to install a female mannequin removing her shirt, you know, winky winky a real bead whore begging for "beads". Her name is Ravishing Rachel. She's available online. We didn't pay any of the artists for their tourist crap. Why should we? We give them huge, I mean HUGE exposure on our crap show.

I had them build a streetcar in the hall. It's so quaint, just like the Southern Cajun hicks in New Orleans. When the bratty cast kids came on set, they thought it was a public toilet, and the little creeps never clean up after themselves, so thank God the entire set ends up where it belonged in the first place - in the dumpster. The occupants of the spaces I designed will shame themselves and defile the city. It's like my design for this big old house and this decrepit city totally inspired the no talent cast.

In the basement I designed a kitchen, dining area and lounge decorated with weathered, reclaimed window shutters (my personal kick in the ass homage to Hurricane Katrina damage), a stupid chandelier made of brass instruments, and dig, a player piano, and tom-tom drums serving as end tables! I added a pool table and a fish tank just for more wacky New Orleans fun. It was so fugly it made the trash piles after Katrina look good.

Thinking outside the box, I wanted to try to cram as much of New Orleans crap into this house as possible.

People ask me if I claim much of a "Real World" house's decor for personal use -- I used to do that, then I realized I have a whole house full of junk. But I did keep two vomit and urine stained wing chairs from the New Orleans season. I'm looking forward to putting them right by my fireplace and having a little piece of the New Orleans I trashed right inside my very own house. Most of my key signature pieces like Ravishing Rachel end up in our (Los Angeles) home office. It enhances the cesspool look we got going there.


For laughs, I put a vintage fortune-telling machine in an upstairs sitting room. A first-floor sitting room carried a sportsman's paradise theme, strung with fishing net and accessorized with oil soaked plush-toy renditions of local wildlife. Oiled up plush toys! Man how is that for thinking outside of the box?

And speaking of boxes, I did a first-floor "confessional box" -- where cast members could retreat to record first-person testimony about whatever pathetic drama had just occurred elsewhere in the house. I packed it with voodoo shit to scare the little turds.

I hope some voodoo queen doesn't zap my ass with some bad mojo for touching this shit. Cause like man, I dig New Orleans. Who doesn't? I mean it's all good right? It's a parteeeeee!!!!!

Who watches this crap anyway? It starts Wednesday 9 PM.

jelly bean-simon gwd guest blogger

Hi. My name is Jelly. I used to be a model, and the wife of a sleaze French fashion photog. He dumped me. I have 2 kids. I am a single mom and a single gal in New York. I am a celeb with no visible means of support. And I like to decorate. Let me share some tips. I stole all those silver water pitchers from a hotel I partied in. I just kept ordering room service until I had an instant collection.

I base my colors on all the colors of jelly beans. I think a house should have one of every different color jelly bean. This makes it kooky, but in a fun and quirky good way, and cohesive in a crazy way.

My celeb apartment is just okay. The French fuck won't give me enough money to live in a really nice place. It's a duplex with two bedrooms, and a couple of bathrooms, but still it's hard for me not make it look like an episode on Hoarders.

I like to wear a jaunty little hat when I am considering a couch color. It's my thinking cap and it keeps my jelly bean ideas close to my pea brain. My couch was pink but then I made it purple. Purple is a better jelly bean color than pink. Really.

The saggy blue blanket isn't a jelly bean color. How did that get there? Did my horsey leave it there? Keep an eye on that chaise lounge. It likes to travel. Traveling furniture is my trademark. And I will report anyone to blogger who uses any of the images or words I steal from others, because I trademark everything. EVERYTHING.

There are two things to remember when you decorate. 1. Jelly beans, and 2. Jelly beans.

These are my new big pillows for my big girl bed. I love all white but only if I can add my signature trademark jelly bean colors to make my head pop. I trademarked all the jelly bean colors. ALL OF THEM.

My bathroom is brown, not very jelly, but I'm too poor to rip it out. I bet the French fuck doesn't have a fugly brown bathroom.

But I am rich enough to go to Target and put jelly bean orange rugs and towels and a shower curtain in the kids bathroom.

I love to decorate with kid like art. In fact I think my style stopped growing at age 10. I love to wear short little dresses in jelly bean colors, and shrunken baby T shirts to show off my aging model body.

I love horses! Just like a little girl! So I have a life size pony in my dining room!

I use this clear glass lamp because this is a small clutter fuck of an apartment, and clear stuff makes it seem bigger, though I would love to put a jelly bean color lampshade on it.

I have a sad rustic dining room table and some old moldy french chairs I stole from my ex husband's family French garage sale when they weren't looking.

I love to match my jelly bean purple shirt to my jelly bean purple orchid plant. And don't forget the jaunty hat to keep those decorating ideas close to the pea brain!

Here's a shark on the table. It goes with the horsey. I flip flopped my rooms. This used to be the living room, but I switched it with the then living room for the now dining room and the now dining room for the then living room. My jaunty idea hat was smoking with this concept. The TV will get moved to the now living room so the shark can hang on the wall in its place.

Here's my jelly bean red breakfast bar. It's close the purple couch so I can rest my skinny ass on the couch instead of using a bar stool.

I'm decorating my bed with my jeans collection. Who needs a boring throw? See my horsey ribbons hanging over my bed? It's just like my bedroom when I was 10.

Here's my desk for the work I don't really have. And see that white chaise lounge? It used to be in the now living room. It's the trademarked traveling chaise lounge I promised you. It was a huge design decision to move it to the now bedroom. Did I tell you I love white? It's so fresh.

These are by book shelves in my bedroom. White, white, white. I love white. It's so fresh.

My virgin white bed. Fresh, fresh, fresh. Yay horsey ribbons over the bed!

More boring junk in my apartment.

I love my fat blue chair. It has a wall space all for itself. I got it from the Cindy Crawford collection at Rooms To Go. We old models who love to decorate have to stick together.

Do you think it's too big? Really? Too fugly? Really? Why is everyone always picking on me?

Here's the TV in the now living room where the then dining room used to be. Dangling cords are so techno, so edgy. And hey, checkout that big clear glass bowl of jelly beans. Clear glass makes the jelly beans seem bigger. Really. But why are they all yellow? I know there are a lot more jelly bean colors! I trademarked them!

Ooh, even touching jelly beans is so me!

That's better. I feel so happy when I'm one with my jelly beans.

Here in the dining room I have these super shiny silver lamps. They reflect all my jelly bean colors.
And I love to decorate with booze and champagne bottles. It's so personal. I even bedazzle them with super shiny jelly beans.

Come on horsey, let's have a drink and a bean or two.

Oh no, someone skinned the pony for a coffee table! But the bowl of jelly beans makes it all good. And the clear lamp makes the place seem miles bigger!

Oh no I didn't! Did I use the dog for a throw pillow?

Lush bouquets from the Korean market on the corner always makes a New York single gal apartment look so pretty and ready for romance. And who needs drapes when you have flowers like these on the window ledge?
.

So there you have my decorating tips for a New York City single mom/gal apartment. Now I have to feed my shark some jelly beans, and start a fantasy blog called Jelly Beanly Chic. Trademarked of course. You can see all my ideas on YouTube where I am auditioning to get my own HGTV Design Turd show.




gwd: thank u jelly 4 guest blogging.


if anyone else would like 2 guest blog for girl world decor, just let us know.

coming soon: the girly award nominations