Tuesday, June 22, 2010

jelly bean-simon gwd guest blogger

Hi. My name is Jelly. I used to be a model, and the wife of a sleaze French fashion photog. He dumped me. I have 2 kids. I am a single mom and a single gal in New York. I am a celeb with no visible means of support. And I like to decorate. Let me share some tips. I stole all those silver water pitchers from a hotel I partied in. I just kept ordering room service until I had an instant collection.

I base my colors on all the colors of jelly beans. I think a house should have one of every different color jelly bean. This makes it kooky, but in a fun and quirky good way, and cohesive in a crazy way.

My celeb apartment is just okay. The French fuck won't give me enough money to live in a really nice place. It's a duplex with two bedrooms, and a couple of bathrooms, but still it's hard for me not make it look like an episode on Hoarders.

I like to wear a jaunty little hat when I am considering a couch color. It's my thinking cap and it keeps my jelly bean ideas close to my pea brain. My couch was pink but then I made it purple. Purple is a better jelly bean color than pink. Really.

The saggy blue blanket isn't a jelly bean color. How did that get there? Did my horsey leave it there? Keep an eye on that chaise lounge. It likes to travel. Traveling furniture is my trademark. And I will report anyone to blogger who uses any of the images or words I steal from others, because I trademark everything. EVERYTHING.

There are two things to remember when you decorate. 1. Jelly beans, and 2. Jelly beans.

These are my new big pillows for my big girl bed. I love all white but only if I can add my signature trademark jelly bean colors to make my head pop. I trademarked all the jelly bean colors. ALL OF THEM.

My bathroom is brown, not very jelly, but I'm too poor to rip it out. I bet the French fuck doesn't have a fugly brown bathroom.

But I am rich enough to go to Target and put jelly bean orange rugs and towels and a shower curtain in the kids bathroom.

I love to decorate with kid like art. In fact I think my style stopped growing at age 10. I love to wear short little dresses in jelly bean colors, and shrunken baby T shirts to show off my aging model body.

I love horses! Just like a little girl! So I have a life size pony in my dining room!

I use this clear glass lamp because this is a small clutter fuck of an apartment, and clear stuff makes it seem bigger, though I would love to put a jelly bean color lampshade on it.

I have a sad rustic dining room table and some old moldy french chairs I stole from my ex husband's family French garage sale when they weren't looking.

I love to match my jelly bean purple shirt to my jelly bean purple orchid plant. And don't forget the jaunty hat to keep those decorating ideas close to the pea brain!

Here's a shark on the table. It goes with the horsey. I flip flopped my rooms. This used to be the living room, but I switched it with the then living room for the now dining room and the now dining room for the then living room. My jaunty idea hat was smoking with this concept. The TV will get moved to the now living room so the shark can hang on the wall in its place.

Here's my jelly bean red breakfast bar. It's close the purple couch so I can rest my skinny ass on the couch instead of using a bar stool.

I'm decorating my bed with my jeans collection. Who needs a boring throw? See my horsey ribbons hanging over my bed? It's just like my bedroom when I was 10.

Here's my desk for the work I don't really have. And see that white chaise lounge? It used to be in the now living room. It's the trademarked traveling chaise lounge I promised you. It was a huge design decision to move it to the now bedroom. Did I tell you I love white? It's so fresh.

These are by book shelves in my bedroom. White, white, white. I love white. It's so fresh.

My virgin white bed. Fresh, fresh, fresh. Yay horsey ribbons over the bed!

More boring junk in my apartment.

I love my fat blue chair. It has a wall space all for itself. I got it from the Cindy Crawford collection at Rooms To Go. We old models who love to decorate have to stick together.

Do you think it's too big? Really? Too fugly? Really? Why is everyone always picking on me?

Here's the TV in the now living room where the then dining room used to be. Dangling cords are so techno, so edgy. And hey, checkout that big clear glass bowl of jelly beans. Clear glass makes the jelly beans seem bigger. Really. But why are they all yellow? I know there are a lot more jelly bean colors! I trademarked them!

Ooh, even touching jelly beans is so me!

That's better. I feel so happy when I'm one with my jelly beans.

Here in the dining room I have these super shiny silver lamps. They reflect all my jelly bean colors.
And I love to decorate with booze and champagne bottles. It's so personal. I even bedazzle them with super shiny jelly beans.

Come on horsey, let's have a drink and a bean or two.

Oh no, someone skinned the pony for a coffee table! But the bowl of jelly beans makes it all good. And the clear lamp makes the place seem miles bigger!

Oh no I didn't! Did I use the dog for a throw pillow?

Lush bouquets from the Korean market on the corner always makes a New York single gal apartment look so pretty and ready for romance. And who needs drapes when you have flowers like these on the window ledge?

So there you have my decorating tips for a New York City single mom/gal apartment. Now I have to feed my shark some jelly beans, and start a fantasy blog called Jelly Beanly Chic. Trademarked of course. You can see all my ideas on YouTube where I am auditioning to get my own HGTV Design Turd show.

gwd: thank u jelly 4 guest blogging.

if anyone else would like 2 guest blog for girl world decor, just let us know.

coming soon: the girly award nominations


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